expectations and results

why is it that sometimes I have to see people doing worse than myself to feel okay?
its not okay isn't it?
It's not excusable to do badly and look at people below myself and comfort myself isn't it?
And its definitely not excusable to look at my own state and then comfort myself, saying its okay, because you tried your best, and no, its not far from your original goal! You just missed by a bit! A little bit! Just try harder next time!
oh dang, I really hate this.
If I did work hard, then why is it still like this? If working hard really pays off then that just meant that I did not work hard enough.
To receive comforting words like that is rather horrid huh.
Excelling, what is it?
How can I lower my own expectations only after I fail them??
Yet how do I put everything on the line?
I haven't recovered that feel, that feeling people get when they really work hard.

And I know this can't go on.
I can't continue to deceive myself.
I failed it. And that's that.